So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
