We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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