he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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