My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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