I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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