He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
