Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
