Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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