best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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