Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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