Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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