The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
