What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize