Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
