Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
