I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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