So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
