I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
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Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
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it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
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