You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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