She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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