I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize