we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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