Four minutes until I can fart!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
