god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
my poor anus
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
