Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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