It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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