OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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