I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
