well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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