So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
