after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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