Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
