she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
