While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
