What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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