It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
