Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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