and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
