Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
