did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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