Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions