I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
