I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
