Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
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It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
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Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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