These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
