that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
