Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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