I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
