I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
