Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
