I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
