She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
