she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
