I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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