Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
