I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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