I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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